Sunday, January 24, 2016

Missing Stuff

It's interesting I've begun missing as my time in transition moves beyond the two year mark. While using 'stuff' as a catch-all is a bit lazy and potentially misleading, that's the word that most sums up this current space.

Three years ago I had a stable, predictable 9-6, my own furniture and space, an engagement, and no idea what I was doing with my life beyond building my post-college reality. I'm not sure if content would be a good word to describe that time since my inner life was in tumult, but it was structured, safe, and met my needs.

Several months later, I would end my engagement, the result of months of difficult work and coming to terms with reality. Sadly, I must own that in some ways my life revolved around this relationship; ending it was gut-wrenching and brought me to a place of questioning the fabric of who I was. 

Two years ago, I was finishing up the wine harvest in Walla Walla and bracing myself for a move to Seattle. I had sold most of my furniture before leaving Florida and was living somewhere between long-term travel and short-term moves, constantly trying to put down new roots only to pull them within weeks or months.

One year ago, I was returning to Orlando from a move to North Carolina that went awry of every plan I'd drawn up in my head. I wanted nothing to do with Florida, nothing to do with massage therapy, and no clue what kind of job I'd get. I just needed money and some direction to move towards after roadblocks brought everything back into question.

Now I'm learning first-hand how challenging it is to pursue a nontraditional (for me) route that's more entrepreneurial. To move towards something that pushes all 187 of my insecurity buttons, thus making me pretty cantankerous. To keep trying and make choices that will impact my future knowing that everything will probably end up different anyways. It usually works out that way.

Maybe this is another step in moving towards, rather than away. Or maybe I miss things because that's what people do.

Either way, here's to all of us who miss things and move forward anyways.

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