Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Self-imposed Obligatory New Year Post

So I haven't updated this for almost two months, which is a pretty good length of time in my opinion. There are several reasons (or excuses for) why I haven't been writing, but the fact of the matter is I just haven't taken the time to do so. I started this blog to document about my foray into the wine industry and ended up using it both for that and to help myself process my internal state (and lessons learned) while working. I've felt at a bit of a loss in some ways with what to write about since I'm not staying in that industry and feel as though my life has gotten much more... normal. That's a separate topic, as usual, but I figured I'd start with this.

Anyways, self-imposed obligatory new year post. I don't really know what I'm writing about since I feel like a lot has already been said. Resolutions are made, well wishes given, fireworks blown up, alcoholic beverages consumed, and hopes sent forth to the Universe Internet. The transition has always been something I've marked internally, usually through resolutions or something of the sort, and I enjoy having an event by which I can organize my life. I mean, what's more obvious than a change in the calendar?

This New Year's feels a little different to me though, my goals aren't so abstract or grandiose. In fact, I don't even feel like I need to write resolutions in order to organize my life and priorities in the upcoming year. It's not good or bad, but I have taken note of the change in my attitude. It's not for lack of excitement, anxiety about the future, or being "over" making resolutions about not picking at my nails (the struggle is real). Rather, I think it's because so much has changed over the past 12 months that I need to pause and look at where I came from in order to get an idea of where I am now.

 "2013 better be good because 2+0+1=3," was my Facebook status ushering in the year, an attempt to be clever on the curated online editorial of my life known as Timeline. Or something. In my "year in review" on Facebook my biggest moments included "moving cross-country to chase a dream" and realizing that, as an adult, no one can tell me not to buy a cow, so thank you Facebook for showing me what really mattered this year.

All jokes aside, it was a good year, quite amazing really, but also very challenging and trying. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that growth and change require sacrifice, you must give up the old to grow into the new. For me in many ways it was quite literal, I was engaged to a good man that I cared deeply about and ended the relationship, gave up a monetarily stable job for a seasonal position, and moved cross-country to pursue a dream, leaving behind friends, family, and a known life. I gave up my old self. I had to sacrifice my hopes, dreams, pride, intellect, who I thought I was, who I thought I wanted to be, pretty much everything "known" about myself. I stepped into a space where the only clear thing about the future was that it was unclear.

To sum it up with Pinterest wisdom, first you feel like dying, then you feel reborn. All the pain, fear, anxiety, tears, frustration, and discomfort I've experienced through this year has brought me to a place where I genuinely like myself and am excited for the future, and that is worth everything I went through.

So happy New Year everyone, welcome to 2014. I wish you all a _____ New Year! (Don't fill that blank in with "good" unless you're open to everything being topsy turvy. Just my advice.)

Oh, and I have a resolution too, to not write essays bi-monthly. Instead I'll go for shorter things written more often. I mean, I'm unemployed for the time being, so I'll have lots of spare time on my hands.

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